I wouldn’t call myself the up to date on all of the latest trends in fashion or beauty. I prefer to wear torn jeans, t-shirts and Jesus Sandals everywhere. I’m much more of a fan of function over form and I think anyone know knows me would agree. But lately I’ve been reading more about Dermaplaning, which is essentially a fancy shaving of the face by a Dermatologist to rid your face of hair and exfoliate it. In my quest to initially figure out what the fuck this torture was, I found more and more women on Pinterest and Youtube shaving their face.
Backstory: I’m half Italian with thick, coarse dark brown hair so I’m not exactly hairless on my face. I might be scarred by a rough, Asian women who looked at me and demanded “YOUR LIP TOO?” when I was 21 and getting my eyebrows waxed for the first time. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t walk around with a full friggin’ beard looking like Paul Bunyan or anything but … look, I’m no Cinderella.
These days I get my eyebrows waxed every three weeks by a genius who knows just how they’re supposed to be shaped for a fat face with huge eyes and, yeah, every once in a while, I throw my lip in there too.
More backstory: I have terrible skin. I had acne as a teenager and nobody ever told me about things like moisturizer or anything so I learned everything the hard way. In fact, I may not have learned yet. Can a wise woman adopt and guide me?
So anyway, I’m intrigued by the idea of face shaving aka The Poor Man’s Dermaplaning. I hopped on Youtube, where I immediately got lost for three hours watching eyeliner tutorials. This is another skill I’ve never been able to navigate. I have dreams of perfectly thick winged eyeliner but in reality, the only eyeliner I ever wear is really just smeared mascara and I only wear enough makeup to look alive at my age. No, seriously. I just look NOT DEAD.
After I got over the eyeliner that I’ll never master I found the secret of Poor Man’s Dermaplaning: A Tinkle. Nope, I couldn’t make this shit up. A Tinkle is a tiny little angled eyebrow razor. They’re super cheap on Amazon so I don’t think they’re any specialty tool or anything. So the idea is that you hold parts of your face taut and just dry shave it with this Tinkle. It shaves off all of the peach fuzz or full on facial hair depending on how much of a wolf you look like. Then you just moisturize and you’re done. It gets rid of the hair, exfoliates your face and supposedly makes it look brighter and NOT DEAD, which is what I need. I thought “NO FUCKING WAY. I’ve got to try this shit.”
So just to catch you up: I’ve entered a phase of my life where I’m shaving my fucking face. Yeah, things are that bad. And I’m that curious.
This morning I stood in front of the mirror and checked out my facial hair to see where I needed to aim my Tinkle. And HOLY FUCK I have so much hair on my face. Yeah, it’s all blond for some reason and I guess if you want it to sound cute you can call it “peach fuzz” but I’m hairy as fuck. I never noticed before. I guess I wasn’t looking closely enough.
I proceed to begin the shaving process and I was immediately APPALLED. First of all, all of this fucking hair is coming off. My sink looked like a sheep was just sheared in my bathroom. I did my cheeks, my forehead, my chin, my jawline and finally – my ‘stache. I’m equal parts interested and horrified at all of the hair that’s coming off. When I did my forehead, gross dead skin that I didn’t know I had hangin’ out up there was flaking off. I had no idea. WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME?
After finishing and gawking at all of the “peach fuzz” in my sink, I moisturized and called my husband over to feel my face. Now, of course, he’s horrified because his wife just shaved her face and now wants him to feel it. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m a believer. I’ll just keep on shaving my face in the mirror once a week like old hairy man.
Have you guys tried this? What were your results? Why aren’t I on the women’s email list when we get directions on how to woman (like a man)?