You blink your eyes and you’re pushing forty. I’m not even sure how it happened myself. One minute you’re underage and at parties that, if the cops were to show up, you KNOW you’re going to jail and the next, you’re screaming at the assholes who speed down your street. You reminisce about the day when your body could do things it can’t do now – like get up off of the ground without help and you making that “umph” noise while you hoist your ass up. Even though you’re pretty sure you’re the “youngest,” hippest thirtysomething (as I am), you wake up one day with an invitation to your 20-year high school reunion and you realize the honeymoon is over.
I’ve been slowly coming to this realization over the past several years, as kids I taught began to grow up, grow their families and buy nicer cars and houses than I have. I’ve always hated that millennials got such a bad rep and started to feel like the younger generation was, for the most part, on my level. But if you pay attention to social media, you’ll see that there are vast differences and, pretty simply, shit the Gen-Xers just don’t fucking do anymore.
1. Concerts. Shows. Festivals. Sure, when I was young, I went to everything. If an artist was in town, I was there. I’d get up early and wait upstairs at Foley’s for tickets. I’d practically camp out to get into club shows. I’d try to win tickets on the radio. Who didn’t I see at Numbers? But these assholes are serious. They’re get on a motherfucking plane and fly to see bands. They’ll travel to a whole other city for a live show with shitty seats. Back when the only festivals that existed were Lollapalooza and Lilith Fair, we waited for them to come to Houston like decent human beings. Now festivals like ACL and even Coachella are a must, complete with bullshit hippie attire. As a Gen-Xer, I’ll just listen to their shit; I don’t need to spend hundreds to see them live.
2. Travel. Look, I have nothing against a good vacation. If I didn’t have fucking responsibilities and could afford them, I’d go on one once in a while but these fucking people are going someplace new every month. How much vacation time do you get? And what’s up with this wanderlust all young people have? Bullshit – you want to see the world! You only watch Big Brother and all of the sudden you’re some citizen of the planet? You want to see what it’s like out there – hop online. You know the problem with travelling? You don’t have your own stuff, your own car or your own house. I can’t even take a shit in a hotel and feel at ease with their rough and recycled bark chip toilet paper, let alone sleep in a bed that isn’t my Tempur-Pedic with my four pillows. The mere thought of being inconvenienced in that way and I’m fucking done. Fuck travelling.
3. Going out. To prove your status, or maybe just because you’re compelled to, you have to go to fancy inner-loop places. You have to spend money. You have to be photographed by those club photographers and end up on someone’s sad Facebook page. Lines to get into clubs, expensive bottle service, fancy clothes and uncomfortable shoes. Millennials will wait to get into new restaurants and bars in the city. Look, if I have to wait more than fifteen minutes to be seated at a restaurant, I am up there at the hostess stand using proximity like a member of the mafia against the 18-year-old hostess. I’m certainly not going to drive, search desperately for shitty parking and then wait to get in to a place for a meal akin to Chili’s. You guys do realize you can eat and drink in your backyard, right? Sure, the possibility of getting laid might not be as high but that’s really all just a pain in the ass anyway. Stressing about drinking and driving, hoping you can find an Uber to fit your whole group of friends, not to mention paying for it. This is what we call a hop in the ass. And I’m certainly not doing it anymore. If you’re event isn’t in the ‘burbs, count me out.
4. New Make-up Techniques. Contouring. Baking. Strobing. GTFO with all of this. How much time do you have available to you? How long does it take you to get ready? Is it really all it? Throw on some concealer for your black, under-eye circles, some blush so you don’t look undead and some mascara so your cheeks don’t look like they’re eating your eyes and you’re done. Who has time for the new Trend of the Week? And if you do, who wants to waste it on this? Sure, I’ll watch hours of YouTube eyeliner tutorials but I don’t ever have an intention of actually doing that. Come on! SKIP.
5. Parties. Millennials love a good girly-party. Look, I’m going to be honest. I’d rather be religiously gangbanged by a group of Jehovah’s Witnesses at my front door than attend any baby or bridal showers at this point in my life, particularly because we’re older. Aren’t these showers to help you get on your feet? You live in a 4,000 square foot house; I don’t think you need the assistance. We don’t need to buy off-the-shoulder dresses and ooh and ahh over gifts given. That doesn’t mean I won’t get you a gift, of course. I’ll spend a nominal $50 and buy you an Amazon gift card like any self-respecting human being. Please don’t make me play any games or guess ridiculous things. Let’s cut the shit. Just post a link to your PayPal or Venmo and we’ll all send you cash to help fund this new path in your life and we can stay home. It’s a win-win!
My apologies to the under-35 crowd. You know I love you jerks but I just can’t get with all of the effort it takes to be a fucking millennial. On second thought, perhaps I should change the title of this post to: Gen-X vs. Millennials: How to tell who’s over 35 based on how angry they are.