There are lots of things I hate doing but one of the worst is cooking. Either the directions take far too much of my time and effort to make it worth it or I totally screw it up and waste $20 or more in ingredients, which pisses me off more than anything. Doing work and it not succeeding is a real pain in the ass. And then we end up with Taco Cabana anyway – and that’s when we don’t have somewhere on a friggin’ weeknight that we’re supposed to be.
When I was younger, I used to love going out to eat. In my old age, I get legitimately angry when we go out and spend $60-70 on a meal that wasn’t worth it. It’s not even that good. And then I have the waiter interrupting my pontification every two minutes to ask if I need anything or want another inch of tea so they can make sure they get a tip. Seriously, can we just go back to old school Pancho’s and I’ll “raise the flag” when I need something? You’re kinda buggin’ me. I’m going to tip you 20% regardless so let’s just agree that I’ll give you that sad puppy look if I need something.
I used to resort to the only thing I had time for and couldn’t possibly fuck up – the Crock-pot. You basically just throw some shit in and it comes out all hot and mushed together later. You know, some meat, some random vegetables, usually some stewed tomatoes or some shit. Add some spices and it’s pretty edible. But my options were becoming limited. I’d still always forget to defrost meat and my husband would claim it tasted like “Crock-pot,” whatever that means.
When I dropped the Crock-pot one afternoon about a year ago – we decided to take the plunge and make the purchase of a lifetime.
Enter the Instant Pot.
(Disclosure: This is an affiliate link, which means that if you visit Amazon.com through this link and purchase this product, I’ll get a commission. Don’t worry–the price is still the same for you and I paid full price for it when I bought it!)
This thing has a cult following in Facebook groups, Instagram and on the internet in general for a reason – because it is fucking genius! For those of you who haven’t heard of this wet dream of a kitchen appliance, let me explain. It’s a slow cooker, rice cooker, steamer, browner and a pressure cooker in one. It also does some other shit that I haven’t utilized it for because I’m not very adventurous around knives. Like – you can make yogurt and cheesecake in it. There’s nothing you can’t do with this robot but most of it is far too advanced for me so let’s just stick to the easy stuff.
The best parts of this thing if you, too, are a lazy sack of shit?
- Being able to sauté/brown meat right in the damn pot. Who wants to wash another pan and transfer the ground beef for your chili? Not me. Cook that shit right in the pot.
- Being able to cook meat from frozen. We’re terrible at meal planning. You can literally grab meat right out of the freezer and, using the pressure cooker setting, turn that shit into something edible for your family.
- Using the pressure cooker setting you can make things like homemade mac and cheese in five minutes or cook chicken wings from frozen in ten minutes.
You can easily hop on Pinterest and find all of these great recipes, but if you’re a lazy sack of shit the way I am – you want the simplest thing possible that you can throw in with the least amount of time suckage/work. I’ve included two of my favorite Instant Pot recipes below, which I stole from Pinterest and then adapted for the Lazy Sack of Shit Chefs of the world.
Lazy Sack of Crap Chicken and Dumplings
1 large pack of boneless skinless chicken breast
1-2 bags of frozen mixed vegetables – make sure it includes green beans, corn, carrots and peas
½ white onion (if you don’t have any onion, no big deal. Throw in some onion powder and call it a day)
1 can chicken broth
1 can cream of chicken soup
1 can cream of celery soup
1 can of refrigerated biscuits
Salt, pepper and your favorite other seasoning
Toss in chicken breasts and onion and season with whatever you feel like it
Bitch and complain because you can’t find the can opener – again
Throw frozen vegetables right on top of the chicken
Throw in chicken broth cream of chicken and cream of celery soups
Cook on the slow cook high setting for 6 hours
Stir everything up and add more seasoning if shit doesn’t look dark enough
Cut up the biscuits into small pieces and throw them on top of the mixture
Cook another two hours on the high setting
Voila! Magical chicken and dumplings
Lazy Sack of Crap Chicken Mexican Mix
1 large pack of boneless skinless chicken breast
1 white onion
1 jar of your favorite salsa
1 jar of your favorite tomatillo sauce
1 can of Mexican corn
Seasonings of your choice – chili powder, garlic powder, whatever you have in the pantry
Got some extra shit you want to throw in? Bell peppers on their last day? Chop that shit up and throw it in too. Want to feel healthy? Maybe some black beans?
Toss in chicken breasts and onion and season with whatever you feel like it (I’m so lazy I could copy this shit from the other recipe)
Throw in the jars of salsa and tomatillo sauce
Toss in the can of Mexican corn
Cook on the slow cook low setting for 8 hours while you’re at work or doing more important shit
Do a little dance around the kitchen because you’ll actually have something cooked tonight
Open the Instant Pot and shred the chicken right in the pot. It’s super easy
Add more seasoning if it looks like it needs more or you like things spicy
Serve over rice or tortilla chips or eat plain with a little bit of shredded cheese and sour cream on top
What are you favorite lazy chef recipes? Found a great site for this? Let me know or link them below. Lazy chefs unite!