Five Reasons Girls Are Easier to Raise Than Boys
I often hear that boys are easier to raise than girls and I wholeheartedly disagree. My little princess* is a textbook angel. She poses perfectly in photos. She’s always listens to her parents and she’s never asked uncomfortable questions in public like “Can black people get a tan?” Hmmm … I guess I’d better create a list.
Coming at you is five reasons girls are easier to raise than boys:
- Girls don’t pee AT you. For the first two and a half years of your kid’s life, you’re changing diapers. Every piss, shit and in between is cleaned by YOU. What joy! I don’t know how many hundreds and hundreds of diapers I went through or the number of packages of wipes I purchased but I do know that my girl never tried to pee in my mouth. Baby boys don’t care. They’re carelessly waterfallin’ everyday. They’re unconcerned with where the stream goes. And even when they are finally toilet trained, they STILL don’t care where the stream goes. Hell, I’ve had grown men in my guest room that are 100 percent unconcerned with the direction of the stream. On the other hand, I’ve cleaned up just as many piss drips and smeared poops on the bowl with a girl (rumor has it, I’ve even been accused). I don’t know how many times, when she was younger, that we’ve had exactly fifteen seconds of notice that she’s had to pee and missed our window. Maybe that wasn’t a good one.
- Girls aren’t dirty. They all wear pretty pink dresses and never play in the dirt. Wait, that can’t be right. My own eight-year-old has recently developed that little allergy to soap and water I talked about recently and has come home with her nails caked with dirt. (Uhhh … well, what I hope was dirt.) She’s developed this new philosophy that showering is optional. In fact, she spent Spring Break riding her bike around the neighborhood all day and smelling like a wet fucking dog that needed to be hosed down outside before being allowed in the house. Hmm…Maybe that one doesn’t work either.
- Girls aren’t mean. Girls don’t name-call and they certainly don’t hit. They’re inclusive and kind and …. Oh wait. Mean Girls wasn’t exactly a work of fiction. Sure, we can teach OUR girls to rise above but it doesn’t mean all of them will. And shouldn’t they be prepared to fight back? I’ve armed my own girl with an arsenal of thirty year old “yo mama” jokes to deflect all the hateful shit that she will, at some point, stumble across. And yes, I believe that at some point and in some way, despite what I’ve taught her, that she, herself, will act as a mean girl.
- Girls love their moms and want to spend all of their time with them. Wait. I’m not even sure why I typed that. I don’t know about the rest of you guys but I am Enemy #1. “Fun Time Dad,” as she’s so affectionately named him, is the preferred human being in our house. I get 100 percent of her anger, rage, frustration, disappointment and what I assume is pre-PMS. It’s all reserved for me. I’m the toilet bowl and I get shit on every single day. And he gets all of the fun. Guess that one’s bullshit too.
- Girls don’t get hurt as much. Hmm … wait. It’s not a real weekend if my kid isn’t bleeding from some part of her that’s been scraped or stubbed or cut. Jumping on the bed has become a sport during sleepovers and the new EVERYTHING hobby is riding her bike with no hands. I’m convinced she’d be jumping off of the roof if we had a ladder in a convenient location. Oh, well, I guess girls aren’t playing contact sports like football so they’re never injured that way. Oh, except that they play all of the same damn sports as boys. Mine, in fact, wants to play flag football next year. Typical “girl” activities like dance and cheer (and yes, I know that’s a crock of crap) can cause even more bodily injury with the crazy ways they’re asked to contort their bodies. Plus, I don’t know about your kids but mine can fall down and sprain her ankle just walking.
I guess stereotyping kids is pretty much bullshit. Neither gender (or any in between, to be inclusive) is easier because all kids are a pain in the ass; that’s their job. And I’m pretty sure that continues until they’re at least twenty five.
What do you think? Are boys or girls easier to raise? Comment and let me know. Fight me!
*This is satire. I would sooner set myself on fire than call my daughter a “princess.”