The first week of May is Teacher Appreciation Week in Texas and it appears the rest of the country celebrates it the week after. It figures that the Lone Star State would have to go and screw up the rotation. Either way – the month of May exists to celebrate teachers. After all, they’ve just spent the last eight months dealing with the little jerk who drives you to the bring of smacking a child that isn’t yours everyday, needy parents and the never-ending data that administrators insist that they extrapolate, take out of context and beat themselves over the head with, not to mention teaching our kids useful shit like multiplication and how to read so that they can scam their way through the new Babysitter’s Club series.
Our PTO was so helpful as to write up a cute, little themed list of gifts we should have our kids bring their teachers each day. And yeah, it was fucking adorable … but come on, guys.
First, I should say that the PTO at my daughter’s school is amazing. These women spend countless hours volunteering and doing fabulous things for our teachers while the rest of us are working or watching Roseanne reruns. They fundraise, they decorate the halls and they stand outside in 95-degree weather directing hordes of children on Field Day, ignoring their boob sweat. In fact, I think some of them spend full time job type hours on this stuff, gaining mom points in heaven.
I didn’t even join the PTO this year because I wasn’t feeling very people-y on the sign-up day after seeing the line and I felt stabby that there wasn’t an online form for joining. If I still have to write a check for something, I’m dumbfounded. Seriously, last year I had to send a check in to the school for a separate cause and forgot to sign the damn thing. Yeah, I’m that asshole that didn’t add her signature to a $10 check. I didn’t volunteer to be the homeroom mom but I did help her at both of our parties this year but only because I already knew and liked her and couldn’t leave her alone with that kind of shitstorm. We didn’t even attend many of the events because our school loves Thursday evenings and that’s our late dance night. Suffice it to say I haven’t exactly been a model parent this year. (I’ll do better next year, guys, I promise.)
Back to the List
So the list was created to give parents endearing little gift ideas to show teachers we appreciate them. They’re simple, budget-friendly ideas like bringing a flower for your teacher or having your kid write a thank you note to them. But for someone like me, doing little individual things each day for a week just isn’t going to work. First, I’ve got that little problem with authority to contend with. You can’t tell me what to do! Then, I’ve got my procrastination issue and my total avoidance of going to stores and accomplishing shopping for virtually anything. So instead of little gifts each day – we’ll give a bigger gift on Friday, like all of the other slacker parents who can’t get their shit together.
But seriously – elementary teachers, especially, do so much more than we realize. They deserve all of the gifts in the world but as a former teacher, I know that the cutesy wooden cutouts of apples with their last name painted on them or a Crayola monogram just isn’t going to cut it. And sure, they need Expo markers and my daughter’s already made me promise to throw those in the bag, but school supplies aren’t going to do the trick either.
But there is something that all teachers need after eight grueling months of responding to emails at 8 p.m., like my daughter’s teacher did tonight after a certain pain in the ass parent (read: me) had to bug her about something. There is one way you could possibly show that you really care this Teacher Appreciation Week. Be a decent person and get your kid’s teacher what they really need in May: booze. And if you’re super uptight and don’t feel comfortable sending your kid in to school with a bottle of tequila smuggled in their backpack and behind their signed behavior folder and the homework you’ve ignored through half of March and all of April, a liquor store gift card works nicely.
How are you showing your appreciation for your kid’s teacher this year? Comment and tell the world. And remember that there’s always time to switch to vodka.